


The Life I Can't Have (Aftermaths)

by Nocticola



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: 5x26 Forever, F/M, Post-Canon, Post-Troubles (Haven), Pre-Epilogue, post-epilogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-02-27 13:32:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13249260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocticola/pseuds/Nocticola
Summary: "I want him[James] to have a life! The life that i can't have""I don't want you to be alone, so promise me that you[nathan] will find someone who will make you happy."Post-5x26:Audrey's choice. Nathan's coping. Paige and James' life.





	1. Audrey's Choice

**Author's Note:**

> Fic Art: https://demisexualnathanvuornos.tumblr.com/tagged/the-life-i-can%27t-have

It seems like the world is ending. Again. She has a sickening feeling in her stomach that she won't make it through it. Because that seems to be her destiny.

 _Croatoan: Yes, but I can stop it. I will willingly go into the Barn. If the Void did change me, perhaps this is the way to show you who I once was. The father you loved._  
_Audrey: Thank you.  
_

That would make everything so much easier. Haven and the world could be saved. Maybe she doesn't have to go. Maybe she doesn't have to sacrifice this one last piece of herself. 

_Vince: I don't think this is possible. You won't work._  
_Croatoan: Why? To power the barn you need Aether activated in living form, me._  
_Vince: I need more for the huge power necessary for a barn. The Aether needs a catalyst, a complementary energy to supercharge it. The same energy it has always needed, love. The energy it needed when she went in as Lucy and as Sarah._  
_Croatoan: I--_  
_Vince: You do not have that.  
_

_Audrey: I do._  
Of course it has to be her. She's not allowed to have this. She's meant to pay for her (Mara's) actions, over and over again. She needs to end it, once and for all. There was a part of her that always knew this would be temporary. She didn't want it to be. Oh, how she wants to fight this. But she can't. It's time. It's over.

 _Audrey: Vince said that if I went into the Barn with my father I could activate the Aether in him to stop the Void and the 27-year cycle. All the troubled would live, and the Troubles would be gone forever. It would be finally over, Nathan._  
There is almost a type of relief in that. She can finally stop fighting. Maybe she's finally done. She has nothing left. 

_Nathan: Really? I was kind of just getting used to it.  
_

She loves this man. This flawed, but good man. She doesn't want to do this to him. Not again. She's done it too many times. She wants to stay.

 _Audrey: I have to go._  
_Nathan: You do._  
_Audrey: And I won't be coming back this time._  
_Nathan: I know._  


She knows Nathan's holding back tears. She isn't. She can't look at him when she breaks his heart. But he deserves to see the pain it causes her. 

_Audrey: I'm so sorry._  
_Nathan: What do you have to be sorry for?  
_

He pulls her into a hug, and she doesn't want to let go. She wants to be with this man, know him, love him. She doesn't want to do this. But she has to. She always has to.

 _Audrey: Leaving you. I wanted us to have more time._  
_Nathan: We'll always want more time. The trick will be being thankful for the time we had. We had an amazing time._  
_Audrey: Yeah, we did._  
_Nathan: And I spent so much of it trying to keep you here, but now I realize the reason I loved you is because you're willing to go. You are an amazing person, Audrey Parker. I never felt anything till I met you. You saved me. You made me real. I love you, Audrey. I will always love you.  
_

__

Part of her wants him to fight this. She loved him because he refused to lose her. She knows leaving, him letting her go, the way he's refused to so many times before, it's the right thing to do. Maybe they are just too tired to fight it this time. But she doesn't want that to be the end for Nathan. She wants him to live. She needs him to be OK. She can leave as long as she knows she won't leave behind a ruined Nathan. He has so much love to give. He shouldn't waste it on the ghost of her.

 _Audrey: Nathan, promise me something?_  
_Nathan: Anything._  


And there's that tear she's been waiting for. One single tear, that's all he'll allowed himself. 

_Audrey: I want you to be okay. I don't want you to be alone so promise me that you will find someone, you will find someone that will make you happy, and you will move on.  
_Nathan: Move on? How could I ever do that? I will think about you every minute of every hour of every day, and that's why I'll be okay. After everything you've done for the people in this town, for me Parker. You'll be with me every time I feel something. I'll never forget you. You will always be with me, and no matter what happens, I will always love you.__

__

 

She loves him for his words. They bring her comfort, as Vince brings back the Barn and as she resolves herself to spending eternity (will she live that long? is that what will happen to her?) in this place, with Vince and her father. She sees that Nathan stays way too close to the Armory, and she hopes he won't get hurt. She sees the first Aether leave Nathan (he's whole and fixed now), but it is soon followed by so many others. Part of her wishes she could recognize Nathan's Aether, but that is a silly, impossible wish. And then... she's gone.  


***

Audrey has no recollection of being in the Barn after she sacrificed herself. She has no idea how that whole system worked. Lexie was a special situation, and even that period contains memory gaps for her. She was gone from the world for over six months then, but she doesn't know if she was Lexie that long. Magical Bar(n)s are weird that way.

She spends her time learning about her original world from Croatoan. She does not call him father, although he does tell him his original name. She cannot forget that this man has killed so many people, Duke, Charlotte and James being the most personally painful. She is not ready to love him quite yet. 

The Barn, or the Armory, as it is now, offers her more stimulation than she would have thought. There are memories. All the women she's been, she could get to know them. She might do that. Some day. Now she is too busy mourning the life she could have had as Audrey to think about what the 20 or so other women's she's been lost.

She learns more about how her rehabilitation program. Because they couldn't create the new Aether core, and Howard wasn't able to adjust the controller, so certain things cannot be changed. She's not quite sure how much time has passed, either for her or in the real world, when she figures it out. She goes to Vince and Croatoan. Powering the Armory has stopped being an issue a while ago.

"I think I could go back," she announces to them without preamble.

"What?" Vince asks flustered. Croatoan looks proud. "How?" continues Vince. 

"The old programming. If we can manage to do a couple of things, I think we could use it and I could leave." 

"But... the old programming... it would mean accepting a personality change. You do realize that, Audrey?" 

Audrey can see that Vince's Barn controller brain is already working out kinks. He looks worried, but he's willing to do this. If she wants to. 

All of her choices are shitty. Stay here, as Audrey Parker who lost everything but her identity. Or leave, become someone else, lose her identity, the one she worked so hard to keep, the one she fought for. But she's not sure if she wants to be Audrey Parker here. She is herself, she has the memories she considers her own, but she doesn't have all the other things that made her Audrey Prudence Parker. She's clinging to an identity, when she could become someone else, someone else who might finally be able to be happy and stay and stop fighting... Both choices bring their own hurt. 

But she's thought about this. Being someone else... it gives her a fresh start. Maybe it will let her be happy with Nathan. As someone else, which would suck, of course. But she was with him as Sarah. Maybe it would be like that.

"I want to do it. Let the Barn give me another personality, and let me leave. I did my job. Let me be free."

"Dove..." 

"Thank you, Dad, for doing this. Maybe we can see each other again, somehow. But I don't want to stay here. I don't want this life. I want to go home. Even if it is as a different person. I've already done that so many times. Hopefully, this will be the last time." 

"Yes. I will let you go. Like I promised." 

Croatoan pulls Audrey into a hug and it's slightly awkward but genuine. 

"Thank you," she tells him before turning to Vince, "Have you figured out how to do it?" 

"Yes. But there are a couple more things. I think I could save James. Give him a fresh start too." 

Audrey lets out a gasp. James?!?! "How?" 

"It's complicated, but I think if we let Croatoan out of the Barn for a minute, he has the Troubles to make it happen." 

"I'd be happy to save my grandson. Whatever you need." 

"There is something else. You are 600 years old but you still look early 30s. I think there is something I could do about that. Let you go back, with your son and as a as normal human being as you can be. You can also help with the personality." 

Audrey wasn't sure it could all be so easy. She could get back home, have her son back, raise him, love him like Sarah and Lucy and her were never allowed to. And she would get to be normal. 

The only problem is that she won't be *her*. She won't be Audrey Prudence Parker. She will be someone else. Someone normal, and with a baby boy. Is that what she wants? She takes a long time to think about it. 

She looks at these two men who hold her destiny in their hands.

"Do it." She was never allowed to have this. Maybe the final version of her finally is.

And thus, Audrey becomes Paige.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is Nathan coping pre-epilogue.


	2. Nathan in between(Adjustment)

When the Armory disappears, Nathan's legs give out. He can feel the heavy coat on his shoulders, the cold evening air on his face, and the devastation in his heart. He's alone again. 

The feelings he tried so hard to contain spill out in warm tears streaming down his face. His breathing is erratic. He *feels * too much, all the loss and pain and his skin, his clothes, he forgot just how heavy the world is. He can't do anything but try to ride out the feelings, hope the grief doesn't consume him.

"Nathan!"

He can hear someone calling out to him but he's not sure who. His brain is overwhelmed by sensations and grief. The voice touches his shoulder and finally Nathan looks up.

"Nathan, that's not healthy," Dwight tells him as he helps him up from the ground. He can feel Dwight's grip through his coat and he's glad of the buffer.

"She's gone," is all he says, all he can say.

"I know."

They fall silent again as Dwight helps Nathan move away from the scene of the empty devastation. Now Nathan sees that they're walking towards a little girl, 9 years old and already familiar. Lizzie Hendrickson. Nathan doesn't want to know how she's here. But he's happy she is. Something good had to come of all this. He can even find a smile for her. He crouches down to meet her at eye-level. 

”Hey, are you Lizzie? Your father has told me a lot about you. I'm Nathan.” 

“Are you sad, mister Nathan? You look sad.” 

“Yeah. I just lost some people who were very important to me. But I'll be OK.” 

“Good! Do you want to come home with us? You shouldn't be alone.” 

“I'd like that. If it's OK with your--” 

"Of course," Dwight intercepts before Nathan can even finish the sentence. He nods, he feels grateful. He doesn't want to go home. To that emptiness. Everything reminding him of… Them. He's not ready.

"Can you get up and walk?" Dwight asks, concerned.

Nathan stands up and he feels wobbly. His legs feel weird. They don't quite hold and he realizes they've fallen asleep as Dwight catches him. Ordinary numbness. 

"Just, give me a minute."

Dwight ends up semi-holding Nathan up as they walk to Dwight's car. The ground is icey and Nathan doesn't remember how to deal with that.

Lizzie runs around excitedly, enjoying the fresh snow and sliding on the ground. Nathan looks up at Dwight and he's never seen him so simply happy. After everything he went through, he's glad Dwight got her back. 

*** 

Haven is silent and practically empty for the next few days. Nathan and Dwight go out checking the situation, Nathan partly to practice having a normal body again and so he has something to do. 

The people they meet usually thank Dwight. Nathan never asked whether more people wanted to kill him or spare his life after his speech and the trial, and during these visits, he figures the former might have won. It doesn't matter now. He still has to figure out what *does* matter, but he's just glad Haven will finally be OK. If Haven has to hate him for it, to heal, he can't begrudge them.

Dwight lets him stay at his place, the first two days afterwards. He sleeps on the couch, which isn't that different from what he will do at his own place (Audrey moved in and took over his bedroom, Duke stayed in the guestroom), except here he's not drinking. And Lizzie is here, which Nathan has found to be a surprising comfort. But now he has to go. The shock of feeling again has become manageable.

"Are you sure you will manage?"

"Yeah," is all he says. Dwight seems to expect more. "You don't need me around. I'm adjusting to the new situation. So are you. I'll be fine." (He remembers confessing how he wouldn't be, without Audrey. He hides the pang of the memory from Dwight.)

"Alright, but Christmas is soon. You're going to spend it with us."

Nathan's almost forgotten all about it. It's weird how important Christmas used to be to him and now he barely realizes when it is. Well, that's what dealing with end of the world does. He nods and starts making his way home. He wanted to walk. To practice. 

*** 

The days before Christmas are a haze. He sleeps and tries to numb himself again with the bottle of Jack he had hidden who knows when. The first day he is all alone, crying, mourning, he barely eats. 

The next day, he wakes up on the couch to a knock on his door. 

It's Rebecca Rafferty. She has a casserole of some sort in her hands. Suddenly Nathan feels self-conscious about his state of dress (unshaven, smelling of alcohol, wearing only an oversized shirt and boxers he's slept in the past few days).

"Dylan thought you probably don't have much food left. The outside world has figured out that Haven exists again so we have so extra. It should be good."

Nathan looks at the steaming casserole, knows he can't touch it without burning his fingers. (Yet, he has to fight the urge to just grab it) 

"Thank you, Rebecca," he says with a slight smile, and let's her come in. She smiles back and goes straight towards his kitchen, thankfully not looking at the mess too much. She leaves the casserole on the island and turns to go right after. As she is next to Nathan again by the door, she seems to hesitate a little. Then she hugs him. 

It's the first hug Nathan has completely felt in years. He's taken aback but he does appreciate it. 

"Thank you. And I'm sorry," Rebecca whispers before she leaves. 

The door was left open for too long and now Nathan's freezing. He looks at the food, knows he should eat. He's not even sure when he last ate. But the cold feels more pressing, so he goes to take a shower.

He gets rid of his clothes and turns on the shower. For a while he just lets the water fall, not quite sure how to do this. He doesn't know how hot or cold the shower should be. He's not sure what is safe. He decides to make the water just beyond lukewarm, the pressure low. Feeling the water on his skin, it's odd. He had a shower during that day he was fixed but it didn't feel like this. Even lately, feeling Audrey, feeling *through* Audrey, it wasn't like this. Feeling his skin, his hair, the water...somehow, this is what makes it irreversibly true: the Troubles are gone. *Audrey* is gone. 

He drops down on the floor, knees and palms hitting the tiles, tears streaming from his eyes yet hidden by the water of the shower. He cries so long any heat from the water is gone, and he knows he'll have to deal with a headache later. He would curl up into a ball if he didn't feel like feeling his own skin like that was too much.

Eventually, he calms down. He thinks of Audrey, how he promised her he'd be OK. He turns off the shower, dries himself up a bit, finds his bathrobe and goes back into the kitchen to eat. The food is good but Nathan doesn't pay it that much mind. He knows he needs to eat, so he does.

The next few days follow the same track. Drink, eat, shower. Survive. 

***

He almost forgets it's Christmas until Dwight comes to remind him of the invitation. Being around people is good. But he's still not quite ready to properly re-enter society. But this is a start. 

Afterwards, Gloria comes to visit him with some pills. He never was much for those, he had no use for painkillers and any shrink talk was the bare minimum, but maybe he should. Anti-depressants, sleeping pills, actual painkillers, anti-anxiety meds, they sounds better than Nathan's self-medication through Jack. 

"I know you're in a rough shape, kid. These might help."

Nathan looks down at the pill bottles, labels full of words he doesn't know how to pronounce. He doesn't know what to say.

"Look, kid, your body and brain have gone through the wringer the past few years. It's OK to give them some help in adjusting. And alcohol isn't very good at that. These should be." 

Nathan nods. He can't promise he'll use them but having them around can't hurt. (Except everything *does* hurt)

Gloria seems to accept this and after putting the pill bottles down, she pulls Nathan into a hug. She holds on tight to him and it feels comfortingly familiar. 

"They'd all be proud, Nathan," she tells him. 

"Yeah... I survived." 

Gloria holds Nathan's face in her hands as she smiles sadly,  
"Some of us have to."

*** 

Slowly but surely, Nathan and Haven adjust to normal life again. It's been 3 weeks since the end when Dwight invites Nathan to the police station. 

"I want you to become Chief again."

Nathan's jaw drops. "Really?!? What exactly makes you think anyone would accept me as Chief again?"

"This was always supposed to be temporary for me. I'm retiring. The town is healing, and I think you could help. I think it would help you too." 

Nathan is still skeptical. He rubs at his beard (he's still not quite ready to shave), doubting Dwight's assessment.

"You do remember that a lot of them if not most wanted me dead quite recently? Then there's the way I left the last time... And I don't even know if I'm ready to come back. As a cop, let alone chief."

"Nathan, it's cats in trees. I've always been better at crisis. You, you're also good at the little things. Now that everyone has more perspective, you being Chief will be for the best."

Nathan stays quiet for a while. Luckily Dwight knows him well enough to let him. Nathan bites his lip. Is he ready? Can he do this? Does he want to do this? So much of what he's been doing has been for Haven. Haven's the only thing he has left.

"I still need a little time. But, yeah, you can retire. Soon. Be with Lizzie." 

"Great! You can start coming to the station again, but we'll take it slow. And after I retire, we should all go fishing." 

Nathan manages to give him a genuine smile, "That sounds good." 

They shake hands and as he makes his way out of the station again, Nathan knows he will survive all this, be OK. Because he promised. He always keeps his promises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More about the first Trouble-free xmas here:  
> The Hendricksons (a Trouble-free Xmas)  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/12821589


	3. Paige's life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paige's life, the epilogue and after.

It's just like Paige's luck for her car to break down so close to the town she and James, her son, have decided is the place for their new start. 'Broke-down Paige' is not a new nickname for her. It's early morning so she isn't particularly hopeful that someone will see them and stop by to help. She's happy to be proved wrong though when Officer Nathan appears behind her passenger window. Maybe her luck is changing for the better. 

Even though Paige is pretty sure this is her first time in Maine, let alone in Haven, there is something so very familiar in the town. As is Nathan. He's a beautiful yet a bit awkward man. She finds him endearing, and he has an absolute gift with James. Somehow he manages to keep James entertained before she can finally feed him his bottle without James throwing a fit. James is still a little too young for pancakes but he is still really well behaved in this diner Nathan took her to. Nathan seems to know everyone there which makes her feel better about driving off with a stranger with a gun. 

“What brought you to Haven?” Nathan asks, and even though it's an understandable question, there is something in Nathan's tone Paige can't quite read. 

“I was offered a teaching position here. Good pay, apartment included. It seemed perfect for me and James.” 

At his name, Nathan immediately turns his attention to James again. He is sleeping in his car seat, happy and content. There is again something unreadable in Nathan's eyes when he looks at James, and it doesn't go away when he turns back to her. Paige has great intuition, though, and she doesn't get a bad vibe from Nathan. Just sadness and loss and a hint of hope. 

“That sounds great. We could always do with more teachers.” 

“What exactly happened here?” The town she saw as they drove through it has clearly been through something big. There's a moment of panic in Nathan's eyes for a moment before he says, “Hurricanes. Climate change is a real problem. We lost all power for a time.“ 

As Nathan concentrates intently on his pancakes again, Paige raises her eyebrow quizzically. She decides to let it be for now. Once she intergrates herself into the town maybe they'll tell her. She's from a small town herself, she knows how they can be. 

*** 

Paige is not sure why but she almost feels like the town had a secret meeting about her, possibly the day she arrived. People's reactions to her just seem so--- tempered. Like she is somehow fragile and she can't quite know what's going on. It's like everyone has to hide whatever their first reaction to her is and pave it over with an almost unnatural welcome. She always notices though. The fear, the suspicion. The gratefulness and happiness. Bitterness and sadness. It's like she is someone they know and she has already made a lasting first impression. 

Even Nathan had a bit of that. His reaction when they first met had a bit of a panicked undercurrent before he managed to overcome it. Apparently slamming his fingers with a car door was a good ice breaking incidence. As she's gotten to know Nathan, she can see that he is still dealing with whatever happened in and to this town, what he lost. But he seems very willing to try with her. She's glad of that, because Nathan makes her happy and she wants to reciprocate that. 

Despite all the weirdness in this town and its people, Paige is happy like she doesn't remember being in such a long time. She feels like she has finally found her home. She is teaching seventh grade which is a good year. 

"Hey, kids! I'm your substitute teacher, for now hopefully. My name is Miss Paige Cross. You can call me Miss Cross. Would someone like to tell me what you have most recently studied in English?"

A blond boy raises his hand.

"Yes?" 

"We haven't really studied anything in months. On account of chat hurricane." 

"I see. What's your name? " 

"Dylan Rafferty." 

"Thank you, Dylan. I suppose I get to start from scratch, then. We could use this first lesson getting to know each other. Do you have any questions for me?"

No one says anything. Paige is surprised. Usually kids love to ask a lot of questions, if only to delay studying. 

"If no one really has no questions, we should start with our reading. How about Oliver Twist. I've always loved that book because I'm an orphan too." 

Dylan raises his hand again and Paige smiles at him and nods. 

"We haven't read that yet." 

"Alright, thank you, Dylan. I have my copy with me, so I'll read it to you and then we can discuss. Alright?" 

There are a few nods. There is something odd here but Paige can't quite put her finger on it. 

*** 

She mentions it to Nathan at dinner that night. Nathan's a decent cook and a great listener. Their relationship has developed nicely. She’s really glad she ran into Nathan when she was arriving in Haven, he has really helped make her feel more at home. Even though she does sense a different vibe, Nathan is her first friend, in Haven, and in quite some time.

“Yeah, I guess everyone is still trying to get used to things being normal. Oliver Twist is a good choice. I think the kids will like it.” 

Paige wonders if she should mention the weird reactions Havenites give her in general. She mentally shrugs and decides to let that issue be. She’s new. People will get used to her in time. 

“I think so too. It’s one of my favorite books. I liked reading it when I was a child. After I lost my parents,” she adds, with a hint of grief in her voice. You never really get over things like that. 

Nathan extends his hand over hers. They’ve of course already talked about this stuff. She knows how he lost his parents, he knows how she did. It’s nice to have someone who understands, to be able to talk about it. 

“Maybe I’ll read it, too. With the new perspective.” 

“We could have our own little book club,” Paige says teasingly, and Nathan smiles in response. 

Suddenly, James lets out a squeal and flaps his hands in his chair. Even though both adults are momentarily startled, they both laugh at it soon after. 

“Are we neglecting you, baby boy? Sorry, come to Mommy.” Paige picks James up as Nathan takes away their now empty plates. 

“It is starting to get late. I could drive you two home. Or…” Nathan’s voice drops after the word, he’s blushing and Paige just smiles and encourages him to continue,  
“Or what?” 

Nathan shrugs, trying to look nonchalant, “We could watch a movie. And… you, could stay here, for the night. The guestroom is quite nice.” 

Paige pretends to think about the offer for a moment before she and James walk up to Nathan, and she gives his cheek a short kiss while James flaps his hands again. The invitation is friendly. They're not dating yet, although they are heading in that direction. 

“We would love to.” 

“Great.” *** 

Paige has been in Haven a month when Nathan finally asks her out on a date. Vicky will babysit him and Nathan will drop everyone home afterwards.

They go ice skating on the frozen ocean. Paige does know how to skate but she's more used to skating rinks and frozen lakes. She doesn't let go of Nathan's hand the whole time, and Nathan doesn't mind.

Afterwards they find a cafe and order hot chocolate with marshmellows. Paige has always found Nathan to be comfortingly familiar and this date makes the feeling all the stronger. It feels natural. His hand in hers as they walk on the frozen beach. Haven is still new to her so she let's Nathan lead. 

Nathan tells her stories about the places they go until it becomes too cold for her and they start making their way to Nathan's Bronco.

They share their first kiss after Nathan has helped put James to bed. The kiss is tender, familiar and just feels right. Neither one of them seems able to stop grinning afterwards. They kiss again as Paige walks him out the door. After she closes the door, she let's out a happy sigh. When she looks out the window, she can see Nathan hasn't left yet, he waves his hand as he climbs back into the Bronco. All of it makes her feel so giddy, like a school girl with her first boyfriend. Life is good. 

****

Yet at one point, it all starts to unravel a bit. Her relationship with Nathan goes well, he's amazing with James. The kids in her school start to accept her as their teacher and she starts to settle down in Haven.

Yet something keeps nagging at her. She can't quite figure out what it is. Some things feel too familiar. Sometimes Nathan would tell her a 'Haven thing' and she would, if not know it, understand it before he managed to do it. She keeps it to herself, though. She's trying to figure out all this by herself before she brings it to Nathan's attention. 

Because Haven is by the ocean, there are lots of beaches. But during all their wintery walks, Nathan never takes her (with or without James) to the East Beach. She starts wondering why that is. As she gets more and more familiar with Haven, it seems to her that Nathan is keeping her away from certain places. She doesn't understand why. She doesn't think he is doing it with malicious intent. But there are places she knows off that he doesn't take her. 

When Spring is starting to make its comeback, she starts her own exploration of the town. She does finally end up on the shore with some type of pillars, out on East Beach. There is something very familiar in that place. She soon finds out why.

***

Hours later, she finds her way home. She finds James sleeping peacefully on Nathan's chest, who also seems to be dozing off. Her boys. She takes off her coat and sits by them on the coach. Nathan snaps awake, luckily gently enough that he doesn't wake up James. 

"Hey, honey," he whispers. 

"Hi." 

"I guess we dozed off. It is past someone's bedtime," Nathan continues whispering, and the vibrations seem to please James who cuddles ever closer to Nathan's chest. Nathan holds on tightly to him as he makes way to James' room and puts him to sleep. Paige can hear his raspy lullaby, and she adores it. 

Her head is full of incomprehensible thoughts, full of questions she's knows Nathan has the answers. She should probably be angrier, and her mood might change, but she is willing to see what Nathan has to say to all this. 

"Out like a light. Just you and me now," Nathan says as he sits back down next to her, but before he can pull her to his side, Paige needs to talk about this. 

"Nathan," she turns to look at him and uses a tone that she hopes inspires total honesty in him, "did you know who I was before? Because I've been someone else before, haven't I?" 

Paige isn't able to interpret the look in Nathan's eyes. There's regret, sadness, hope, and so much more. 

"I wanted to do this at your pace," which sounds like a confession yet Paige still doesn't understand what it means. "Did you have a memory flash? Of being someone else?" 

Paige lets out a sigh. Nathan knows what she's talking about! She suspected, knew he would, but it still feels good to know for sure. "Yes." 

"Explain it to me." 

"I went to East Beach. I found these wooden pillars," she opens up a picture. She can tell Nathan knows the picture before he even sees it but he still looks at it and nods. "I didn't know about the picture before I went. I just felt like I needed to. I was there, as me, and then suddenly, I wasn't--- I was still *me*, but a different me. I was holding James, he couldn't have been even a month old, showing him the ocean, saying goodbye. I knew it was right but it still hurt. And then, I was a different me. I was *her*. I was looking at James, except James was an adult and the paper called him the Colorado Kid and I was again telling him goodbye. Because I-- I lost him another way, again."

Paige wants answers, Paige wants to cry, but she's not sure if she can start talking again if she stops. Nathan is close, but not touching her. There is empathy in his eyes. 

"Then I was there, a different me, with you. You were holding me as we talked about him, about his loss. What happened to him. That wasn't that long ago, you don't look that different. Can you explain to me what is going on? Who am I?" 

Paige's pain is reflected in Nathan's eyes. He moves his hand closer to her and she doesn't stop him. He wipes away tears from her cheek and starts telling Paige Her Story. About Mara, her pain and loss and illness; about what Mara did with that pain; about Charlotte rehabilitation plan that took five hundred years. 

"I don't think you've ever remembered Sarah before. You witnessed a few of her memories, but you didn't remember them." 

He tells her of Sarah, their brief love story that produced James. Of Lucy, who was willing to sacrifice him for the greater good. Of Audrey, her interludes as Lexie and Mara, of her final sacrifice. 

The more he talks, the more familiar it all feels. Nathan can't tell Paige her whole story. He only knows the last century and the origins. He can only tell her what he knows. He's only giving her the broad strokes of the story, which Paige already finds overwhelming. 

"We've managed to make pretty good records of everything we know. I have pictures, and there are stories all over town. This is the truth. It might be hard to accept, but it is." 

"I've been here months. We've been together for months. Why didn't you tell me?" Paige feels numb. She's not sure what she should feel after a revelation like this. 

"I told you, I wanted to do this at your own pace. If you remembered, I'd help you with that. If you didn't, then that's how we'd live." 

"You were keeping so much of shared history from me. James's history. My own history. So much pain. I don't even know who I am anymore," Paige has started crying. She doesn't fight when it when Nathan places her head on his chest and starts to stroke her hair as she cries. 

"I know who you are. I always do. And you always find me. That's our thing. I know what you are. I know who you are. I love you. You're always you. You're a complicated woman, but that's OK. We can deal with this. You're still Paige." 

**** 

Over time, Paige starts remembering more about the other women she's been. Starts to accept that somehow, that is her reality. Nathan wasn't lying about the proof. There are notebooks full of information about the Troubles, and her own history sounds like something out of a mythology.

Her relationship with Nathan changes a little after the revelation. She starts incorporating aspects of the women she remembers into herself, and sometimes Nathan comments on that. "That was very Audrey of you." "That's how Lexie would have done it." Things like that. It's never said in a malicious way, it's just about accepting all she is. He does always add how she is still so very much Paige. He wants her to be whoever she wants to be. 

Nathan's support, and the gradual support of Havenites helps Paige to come to terms with all this weirdness that is apparently her life. 

In the end, she is still primarily Paige. Because that's who she feels she is, at her current core. Yet the more she remembers of especially Audrey, the more she becomes like her. It's tiny things that only Nathan might notice. She's not really sad about it. She appreciates all the women she's been, everything they've given to her. But mainly, she appreciates the chance she was given. As Paige, she can have the life she couldn't have as Audrey, or any of the other women she was. Audrey made the ultimate sacrifice so Paige, so *James*, could life. So, that Paige could be with Nathan, raise their son together. Live in peace. Without the Troubles. She is grateful Audrey made that decision. Paige really hopes she is worthy of it.


End file.
